Hi!

I've been meaning to make this post for the longest time but I couldn't find the right words and thoughts to use to have a short one. Short but meaningful. LOL 

I'm not even sure if you'll be able to read this but this is also my way of freeing all the thoughts in my mind that I had and have for years now. Hehe

Yesterday, a memory back in Oct 19,2019 appeared in my IG stories. Yeah, that was our Korea trip. And you know, I didn't feel anything. It was an okay memory. I guess, that just proves that I'm indifferent now, no more lingering feeling of love nor hatred. We had a good run but we were just not meant to last to forever. 

It took me a year or so to move on from that breakup. I never hated you for leaving. Right from the start, I know it was not an easy thing to do, leaving, but you gather all your might to take a leap of fate. I guess, that's one of your best decision in life. At that time, my mind understood but my heart could not and would not accept it. It was sure painful and I know for sure, It was and will ever be valid. 

Going through the healing process was not easy but I owe my present self to that process. I realized a lot of things. I got to know myself mooooore. I got to assess myself as partner. And  I am well aware that it was not all your fault. I never put the entire blame towards you, just so you know. I do have my fair share on why our relationship fail. I think we were totally different that we were not able to meet halfway. Love was just not enough. 

Maybe in another lifetime or perhaps in a parallel universe we have the opposite outcome, who knows. Haha But yeah, right now, I guess this is what we have...and that's okay. At least we tried, di ba? We may not have our happy ending but still, thank you. Sam, I wish you all the best and the happiness in life.  May we both win life. Cheers! 

 Hey,

I hope that bukas pag gising ko, I'm not overthinking anymore.

I'm really tired of this shit.

I wanna live my life. Like LIVE.

"May all negative energy be returned to sender."

"May every evil eye upo be go blind."

"May every tongue that rises againsts me fall."

"May every ill intention return to sender."

 Hello!

It's been a long time no? Sorry naman. Haha

Ang dami kong rants lalo na last year pero tinamad lang. Haha Halos parehas pa rin naman.

Hey, musta balentayms kahapon?

Haha.

Ako? Well, single pa rin naman ako kaya walang romantic date. I was with Ann tho, we had steak for dinner in Shinjuku. Not the wagyu but manifesting *unli wagyu* soonest. 

So, why am I here?

I thought I can share this here.

Ann and I were talking about life, love, relationships, and etc. Haha 

Our convo was like this:

Ann: Ahhh, basta ako manigurado sa ko nang uyy.

Me: Syempre. Ring muna befora anything else.

Ann: Ngeee, gihatagan man ngani ka pero wala gihapon. 

Me: Hahaha. Tama diay no? Nakalimot ko dah.

And then I realized, shit!, I'm fuckin' okay na jud. It didn't hurt at all.  I mean, matagal na akong okay, *MOVED ON since 2021 but officialy in  2022*LOL . Nung 2020, I thought I wouldn't be able to move on but I did, I fuckin' did. I just find it amazing kasi hindi na sya big deal as it was in 2020. That part of my past is starting to fade without me realizing it. I made it to the end of the tunnel. Congrats baby ghorl! :)  

 Olleh! Hello!

And here we go again.

The battle between myself and I.

It's breakdown season, baby.

All my life I have always questioned myself in all aspects.

And I'm tired.

Malayo na narating ko compared to the Shayne 3 years ago but still here I am, back to square one questioning my worth.

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na wala kang silbi sa mundo. Like the world won't even notice if I'll be gone. Hindi kawalan in short.

I'm 32 and yet walang asenso. I don't know what I want to do with my career. I'm really tired of living from paycheck to paycheck. I've tried all the means to save but everytime, every single damn time na may konti akong naitatabi life will throw me sh*t. Like anubeeeee!

I really don't know what I want to do but one thing is for sure, I want to explore the world. I honestly want to leave Japan for good but I can't. The problem din kasi is I'm not fully equipped with the necessary skills to conquer the world. I'm just this ordinary-no talent-32-yr-old human being.

And tbh, my career problem is just the tip of the iceberg. Lo and behold, 3 fucking long years have passed and I'm still single. And you what's frustrating? It's not because I'm still in love with the same person. DUh. I'm soooo done with my past and I'm soooo okay. Pero wala. Well, partly it's my fault. I don't do those dating apps. I don't go out. I see the same set of people. So, paano di ba? I'm sooo okay with being single but tbh, there are just days or times that I find myself hoping that I have a partner by my side. I prayed and prayed and prayed but wala.

Hayyyy. As much as I love myself, ang hirap maging ako. I'm tired. I wanna raise the white flag na. I've had enough in this lifetime. 

Maybe in the next lifetime na lang? Maybe I'll be that bright and successful career woman I longed to be. Maybe I'll have someone like Shohei Ohtani. Lol Maybe in the next lifetime. Maybe.

Bye!

 Hello!

3 years ago, I unfollowed ALL pages related to wedding kasi nga ano. Hahaha But now, guess what, I found myself liking those pages again. And no, I'm not getting married this year ( but who knows. LOL). I'm very much single. Haha If there's one thing I got from following those pages again is..... it doesn't hurt anymore. It took some time... a long time actually but finally.. Yey! I don't want to talk about that part anymore kay kapoy na but all I can say is I'm really thankful that I made it. 

This year I'll be 32 na. Officially out of the calendar. I'm considered 'old' na jud. I still believe in marriage and still dreams of getting married one day. The question ra jud is when and to whom. Haha I know time is ticking and makabungol na sila mader pero wala jud. I don't go out and meet people so, paano? Haha I'm not into dating apps din. Hay, ewan ko. Haha

Bahala na. Basta, dili ta magsettle for less. Hahaha

In God we trust.

Pero baka naman po.

 Hello!

For unknown reason, I'm feeling sick. I don't have my beautiful voice yesterday. Yes, yesterday, and I had first grade sched. Great, isn't it? It was really hard. I haven't been sick this bad ever since I had rona, so, I didn't saw this one coming. I woke up feeling weak but the downside of this singleblesedness. Haha I got to give myself TLC cause no one else would. I have been thinking about seeing a doctor but for my gastro problem but it will depend on the news to come. Haaaay. I have been on the edge for sometime now. I'm so lost. Next week's gonna be the make it or break it. I pray to make it tho. 

I also received my electric bill and it's around 8,000 yen. Like, vkettt? Mas naluya ko dah. Like, I have been saving na nga and not wasting electricity kaso wala pa rin? I'm really tired of this life, always na lang kulang ang effort ko.I have been in a tight spot since last year and I have been trying to save and even changed my spending habits just to accommodate my 'new' life. Pero, kulang pa rin. Whenever I open my mailbox, puro bills. I have been trying to look for online part time job pero wala rin. 

Am I this bad? Why do I always feel that nothing is going the right way. I always have to wait. Kapoy naman uyy. I have been praying but seems like my prayers are and have not yet been answered.

Again, maybe in the next lifetime?

Kakapoy na ba.

 Hello!

I guess no matter how I try to avoid making  this account as my emotional dumpsite,it cant really be avoided. I just need to let it out. It feels so heavy and I have nobody to talk to. And by that, I don't mean any disrespect to my friends but I know too well that they've got in theirs as well.

I'm so filled with sooo much anxiety. I feel like I am in the middle of nowhere. LOST. I'm feeling scared. 

I haven't been lucky both financial and in the field of love. Why? Tbh, I'm so broke right now. Hindi naman ako maluho and I have been prioritizing my bills pero wala pa rin. I have been trying to find a side hustle pero wala pa rin. Idagdag mo pa yung fact na ang daming nasisira o nawawala na gamit. Nakaka frustrate. Lagi na lang. Halos wala na nga akong nabibili na bago pero gipit pa rin. Bakeeettt?

3 yrs. and counting na akong single. My parents and others have been nagging me about getting married and having  a kid but paano kasi? Sana ganun kadali. And I don't want to settle for less just for the sake of having one. Is it wrong to want for someone that could love and treat me right? 

I have not been eating well lately. I threw up most of the time. I haven't seen a doctor due to lack of funds. Hindi na talaga ako natutuwa. Nakakapagod na. I haven't enjoyed eating for the longest time.

Lifeee. Bakit man ganito? Bakit ang daya? I guess, if I die, better. Bawi na lng sa next lifetime. Baka sali, maging tama na ang lahat.

 Hello!

Last night, I spent the rest of the night trying to book a food delivery. Oops, wag judgmental, it's not for me. My tummy was fine. As we should, kasi wala pang sweldo. Hahaha. It was for my ate's partner based in Kobe pa. Di ba, Saitama-Kobe? She was sick daw kasi so my ate asked me if I can order food for her kasi 'kawawa naman' daw. Mapa sana all na lang talaga. Haha

How nice it is to have someone who makes effort despite the distance no? How nice it is to have someone that goes beyond 'Kain ka na dyan' and 'Inom ka gamot' when you're sick. Pwede pala yung ganun? Meron pa palang ganun? Haha.

This doesn't make me bitter but reminds me that no matter how ka jowang jowa na ako, I should never settle for less. I know what I deserve. I put my heart back into pieces by myself, hence, I don't owe any MAN for healing and completing me. 

I don't know what is God's plan for me but for now, I'll order food for myself muna. Haha In kaskas I trust. LOL

 Hello!

I realized something.

I realized that people really do think and believe that I am not a virgin anymore. Does it bother or matter to me? Tbh, yes, a little. But I do know that people will have that perception given that I spent almost five years with someone in the past ( 1yr. LDR tho). When we broke up, that's the least of my concern, you know doing the 'damage control' and clearing my name of any misconception or misunderstanding of the setup that we had. Oh well, that WAS love. Love pay nalitok. LOL But, really, the things you do for love. I cared so much about what people will think but when it's about him, I'd care less about what they would think. Hayyy, #neveragain. LOL

So, why did I open up about this? Well, apparently, he-who-must-not-be-named told people that we were on that level nung kami pa. Like, dude, seryoso? We made out a couple of times pero like SEX? Talaga lang ha? Baka ibang babae yun. Why? Why did he have to lie? Lies after lies? I guess that's the littlest respect he had for me no? 

I kept quiet about so many things and yet he had the audacity to spread lies.

I realized it's more difficult to explain why nothing happened after years of being together. Dapat ba may nangyari na lang? LOL

I'll leave it here. Dami pa dapat isipin and gawin. 

bye!

Hello!

Tara, let's talk about love while drinking my iced coffee. Haha

You know I realized I'm always late in everything when it comes to progress in life. I had my first relationship when I was 25, had my first international trip, and learned another language both at 26, became a teacher at 27, became engaged, and then single again at 29. Isn't that amazing? Haha Gotta be honest it's frustrating at times 'cause I feel that I am not on the 'normal' path like everyone else. I think that's why it took me some time ( err... a lot of time)  to move on from my heartbreak kasi at that time back to being single at 29 close to 30 ish, meh, that's terrible bro. But God has a different plan for me... I guess?

And now, I'm 31. Single. Oh, sige, let's talk about that. I'm actually enjoying my life right now. I'm more concerned about my financial status than my love life. Lol My love life worries me from time to time but not to the point of desperation. I do get the SANA ALL feels but wala eh. I'm ready, I know, but I'm not chasing. My friends would always tell me to make landi and all but hagu, kapoy, mou ii. Funny lang 'cause when the time came that I know I have moved on and all that's the time I uninstalled the dating apps. I guess it's not for me.. you know, tinder, OK cupid? No. I can't. I'm still for the organic which is ironic 'cause I'm too awkward. Haha Bahala na. I'm so ready to give love another chance but I'm not settling for the bare minimum. People might say 'murag gwapa' but first, gwapa jud ko, and second, why settle? Having standards doesn't equate to Mr. Perfect and duh, we all know Mr. Perfect doesn't exist. And as much as I love Kdramas, no, I'm not looking for an Oppa. I'm really not sure what to call or how to describe but I just want a MAN whom I can be ME, the imperfect and flawed ME. Does this person exist ba? Or pa ba? If that person exists or not, IDRC. Joke! Haha  I guess being single for this long probably has PROs as well. I found my great love. I waited for almost 3 decades nasa malapit lang pala, Shayne pala name niya. Haha Looooong story but my favorite of all time. :) #selflove

Instead of having this line 'Maybe my soulmate died, I don't know. Maybe I don't have a soul' be the song of my life, I'd prefer singing my heart out to this, 'Ug di ko mag duha-duha ug tikang. Kung mahulog ka andam ko mahulog uban. Bisag asa ta dal'on niining panahon.'

To Mr. Right: Hi, Love! Where na you? Hahaha See you! #LawOfManifestation Haha Tara??? Let's start our journey and conquer the world together. 💕

 Hello!

And summer vacation starts today. Yey! No more alarms and commuting in the morning. Hurray! But on the other hand, no sweldo as well. Meh. So, I went to this 'interview' for a part-time job hoping to earn some cash to aid my ailing budget. I was kinda skeptical since my visa is you know na. Hayy Pero push pa rin. But lo and behold, as expected, dame datte. So, I guess, puyo ta ug balay and make tipid as much as we can.

I went to Shibuya afterward with the goal of having the nose pad or piece of my glasses change. Moldy na sya and pangit na tingnan talaga. Haha Mejj skeptical din ako since I don't have the receipt na but fortunately, wala ng chechebureche, they changed it naman for free. Since I felt lucky, I had my other glasses' nose pad changed as well sa other store (ZOff) and successful naman.

Zero balance na talaga ako today and ilang days pa before sweldo. I had to borrow from my funds and I'm trying not to use my cc since limited ang budget ko for the following months. I didn't buy anything except for a cheap meal sa Wendy's. 

I walked a lot today, which means hindi ako lugi today. I hope I'll score a gig or two this month. I really need extra funds. Huhu

Gambare self! We got this! God will provide!

 Hello!

And we are overthinking again... self. We've got so much on our plate already. . Tingin sa harap. Lakad. Kung dumating man ang panahon na mapagod sa kakalakad, magpahinga. We're getting there self. I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. Tanaw ko na ang pot of gold sa dulo ng bahaghari. Will you let your monsters win again? Ngayon pa ba?

NO.

 Hello!

Ang dami ko gusto sabihin but I'll leave it this way. 

YAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 Hello!

It's been a while.

I did it!

I'm out of Takenotsuka.:) Finally, I was able to leave.

I'm happy that for the first time since I came here to Japan, I made a decision for myself. I finally found the courage to take responsibility and took this chance to rely to myself. Myself, my not-so-confident-overthinker-self. 

I've waited for so long for this moment. I'm happy.

But yea, you got it right. This post won't be complete without my worries and rants. Haha

Bills. I don't have any problem with living alone but the bills that await me scare me a lot. If there's one thing that I deeply regret is I forgot to consider the cost of living. Sure thing, Saitama City's really convenient but damn, tax and health insurance are also expensive. Yea, I'm doomed.

If there's one thing that I failed to appreciate in Adachi ku was their city hall's service. They're accommodating and not even once did I feel that I was not welcome. Chuo ku? Meh.

My mind's really full of worries about payables. I only have my salary to rely on but my bills are so greedy, they want it all. I want to live a decent life.

I pray everyday for the opportunity to b financially stable. I have recovered myself. Yay! And I don't wanna lose myself in this battle again. This one is different though but I'm gonna fight. I just need my weapon and armor. I will fight.

 Hello!

Tiktok is a huge part of my healing and recovery. It knocked some senses to me. It made me realize that those invalidated feelings were actually VALID and OKAY. It helped me unleash the 'true' me, ver3.0. It made me happy.

But... in a way, it also gave me false hopes but okay na, naka recover na. I'm focusing on myself, tingin sa harap, walang lingunan na ito..and still, thank you tiktok. Haha 

Tiktok's algorithm is weird as fuck. One day, you'll see videos about food the whole day, next, you'll see tarot readings (wag kyo maniwala, hindi totoo. LOL) all day. But these days, I'm into mom&babyTOK and that sucks. Like, OO, bitter na kung bitter pero autoBLOCK kayo. Sorry naman. HAHA Hindi kasi madala ng not interested button ihh, kaya bLOCK na lang. Kasi the more that I see it, the more I am reminded that I may not have the chance to experience that. I am reminded of what I don't have. That's actually the same reason why I unfollowed most in my FB. Almost all of them are engaged, married, preggy, nanganak, preggyforbabyno.2, nanganak. I am happy for them ha, don't get me wrong.

Sabi ni floxxy, don't lose hope daw. Pero how?

 Hello!

It's been a long time.

The thing is, I tested positive, COVID last Aug. 30th. 10 days of home quarantine. 10 days that felt like months. 

It took me some time to post it. But yes, Alhamdulillah, I am alive. I went back to work and trying to live a normal life. It's not easy. Akala ko, kembot to the right and left lang and boom shakalaka, normal na ulit. Madali pa rin ako mapagod kaya naka off ang dora mode ko and mas lumala ang hair fall ko. Slowly but surely, babalik din.

September's about to end. It went by so quick. 

I guess this is my 2nd life. So, YOLO v.2.0? Hell, yeah. Hahaha But I need funds ya know kaya sana, beke nemen, side hustle tayo dyan. Haha

I attended WCA's LT yesterday and the CEO said that most people die at 25 and are just waiting to die physically. I felt that. I died at 29 but I guess someone gave me the resurrection plant that's why I'm living like a zombie, with no direction. I regretted praying to be gone. I want to live pero with purpose hindi for the sake lang. I want to live talaga.

 Hello.

I have been vomiting all the things that I ate and NO, I am not preggo. Haha I wasn't able to go to the doctor over the month-long summer vacation because I fell short of cash. Haha And tbh, walang naiwan sa sweldo ko like walang joke. Ubos sa bills hanggang huling yen ng sweldo ko. 

I don't know what to do na. And it sucks sa true lang.