Olleh! Hello!

And here we go again.

The battle between myself and I.

It's breakdown season, baby.

All my life I have always questioned myself in all aspects.

And I'm tired.

Malayo na narating ko compared to the Shayne 3 years ago but still here I am, back to square one questioning my worth.

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na wala kang silbi sa mundo. Like the world won't even notice if I'll be gone. Hindi kawalan in short.

I'm 32 and yet walang asenso. I don't know what I want to do with my career. I'm really tired of living from paycheck to paycheck. I've tried all the means to save but everytime, every single damn time na may konti akong naitatabi life will throw me sh*t. Like anubeeeee!

I really don't know what I want to do but one thing is for sure, I want to explore the world. I honestly want to leave Japan for good but I can't. The problem din kasi is I'm not fully equipped with the necessary skills to conquer the world. I'm just this ordinary-no talent-32-yr-old human being.

And tbh, my career problem is just the tip of the iceberg. Lo and behold, 3 fucking long years have passed and I'm still single. And you what's frustrating? It's not because I'm still in love with the same person. DUh. I'm soooo done with my past and I'm soooo okay. Pero wala. Well, partly it's my fault. I don't do those dating apps. I don't go out. I see the same set of people. So, paano di ba? I'm sooo okay with being single but tbh, there are just days or times that I find myself hoping that I have a partner by my side. I prayed and prayed and prayed but wala.

Hayyyy. As much as I love myself, ang hirap maging ako. I'm tired. I wanna raise the white flag na. I've had enough in this lifetime. 

Maybe in the next lifetime na lang? Maybe I'll be that bright and successful career woman I longed to be. Maybe I'll have someone like Shohei Ohtani. Lol Maybe in the next lifetime. Maybe.

Bye!

 Hello!

3 years ago, I unfollowed ALL pages related to wedding kasi nga ano. Hahaha But now, guess what, I found myself liking those pages again. And no, I'm not getting married this year ( but who knows. LOL). I'm very much single. Haha If there's one thing I got from following those pages again is..... it doesn't hurt anymore. It took some time... a long time actually but finally.. Yey! I don't want to talk about that part anymore kay kapoy na but all I can say is I'm really thankful that I made it. 

This year I'll be 32 na. Officially out of the calendar. I'm considered 'old' na jud. I still believe in marriage and still dreams of getting married one day. The question ra jud is when and to whom. Haha I know time is ticking and makabungol na sila mader pero wala jud. I don't go out and meet people so, paano? Haha I'm not into dating apps din. Hay, ewan ko. Haha

Bahala na. Basta, dili ta magsettle for less. Hahaha

In God we trust.

Pero baka naman po.

 Hello!

For unknown reason, I'm feeling sick. I don't have my beautiful voice yesterday. Yes, yesterday, and I had first grade sched. Great, isn't it? It was really hard. I haven't been sick this bad ever since I had rona, so, I didn't saw this one coming. I woke up feeling weak but the downside of this singleblesedness. Haha I got to give myself TLC cause no one else would. I have been thinking about seeing a doctor but for my gastro problem but it will depend on the news to come. Haaaay. I have been on the edge for sometime now. I'm so lost. Next week's gonna be the make it or break it. I pray to make it tho. 

I also received my electric bill and it's around 8,000 yen. Like, vkettt? Mas naluya ko dah. Like, I have been saving na nga and not wasting electricity kaso wala pa rin? I'm really tired of this life, always na lang kulang ang effort ko.I have been in a tight spot since last year and I have been trying to save and even changed my spending habits just to accommodate my 'new' life. Pero, kulang pa rin. Whenever I open my mailbox, puro bills. I have been trying to look for online part time job pero wala rin. 

Am I this bad? Why do I always feel that nothing is going the right way. I always have to wait. Kapoy naman uyy. I have been praying but seems like my prayers are and have not yet been answered.

Again, maybe in the next lifetime?

Kakapoy na ba.

 Hello!

I guess no matter how I try to avoid making  this account as my emotional dumpsite,it cant really be avoided. I just need to let it out. It feels so heavy and I have nobody to talk to. And by that, I don't mean any disrespect to my friends but I know too well that they've got in theirs as well.

I'm so filled with sooo much anxiety. I feel like I am in the middle of nowhere. LOST. I'm feeling scared. 

I haven't been lucky both financial and in the field of love. Why? Tbh, I'm so broke right now. Hindi naman ako maluho and I have been prioritizing my bills pero wala pa rin. I have been trying to find a side hustle pero wala pa rin. Idagdag mo pa yung fact na ang daming nasisira o nawawala na gamit. Nakaka frustrate. Lagi na lang. Halos wala na nga akong nabibili na bago pero gipit pa rin. Bakeeettt?

3 yrs. and counting na akong single. My parents and others have been nagging me about getting married and having  a kid but paano kasi? Sana ganun kadali. And I don't want to settle for less just for the sake of having one. Is it wrong to want for someone that could love and treat me right? 

I have not been eating well lately. I threw up most of the time. I haven't seen a doctor due to lack of funds. Hindi na talaga ako natutuwa. Nakakapagod na. I haven't enjoyed eating for the longest time.

Lifeee. Bakit man ganito? Bakit ang daya? I guess, if I die, better. Bawi na lng sa next lifetime. Baka sali, maging tama na ang lahat.

 Hello!

Last night, I spent the rest of the night trying to book a food delivery. Oops, wag judgmental, it's not for me. My tummy was fine. As we should, kasi wala pang sweldo. Hahaha. It was for my ate's partner based in Kobe pa. Di ba, Saitama-Kobe? She was sick daw kasi so my ate asked me if I can order food for her kasi 'kawawa naman' daw. Mapa sana all na lang talaga. Haha

How nice it is to have someone who makes effort despite the distance no? How nice it is to have someone that goes beyond 'Kain ka na dyan' and 'Inom ka gamot' when you're sick. Pwede pala yung ganun? Meron pa palang ganun? Haha.

This doesn't make me bitter but reminds me that no matter how ka jowang jowa na ako, I should never settle for less. I know what I deserve. I put my heart back into pieces by myself, hence, I don't owe any MAN for healing and completing me. 

I don't know what is God's plan for me but for now, I'll order food for myself muna. Haha In kaskas I trust. LOL

 Hello!

I realized something.

I realized that people really do think and believe that I am not a virgin anymore. Does it bother or matter to me? Tbh, yes, a little. But I do know that people will have that perception given that I spent almost five years with someone in the past ( 1yr. LDR tho). When we broke up, that's the least of my concern, you know doing the 'damage control' and clearing my name of any misconception or misunderstanding of the setup that we had. Oh well, that WAS love. Love pay nalitok. LOL But, really, the things you do for love. I cared so much about what people will think but when it's about him, I'd care less about what they would think. Hayyy, #neveragain. LOL

So, why did I open up about this? Well, apparently, he-who-must-not-be-named told people that we were on that level nung kami pa. Like, dude, seryoso? We made out a couple of times pero like SEX? Talaga lang ha? Baka ibang babae yun. Why? Why did he have to lie? Lies after lies? I guess that's the littlest respect he had for me no? 

I kept quiet about so many things and yet he had the audacity to spread lies.

I realized it's more difficult to explain why nothing happened after years of being together. Dapat ba may nangyari na lang? LOL

I'll leave it here. Dami pa dapat isipin and gawin. 

bye!

Hello!

Tara, let's talk about love while drinking my iced coffee. Haha

You know I realized I'm always late in everything when it comes to progress in life. I had my first relationship when I was 25, had my first international trip, and learned another language both at 26, became a teacher at 27, became engaged, and then single again at 29. Isn't that amazing? Haha Gotta be honest it's frustrating at times 'cause I feel that I am not on the 'normal' path like everyone else. I think that's why it took me some time ( err... a lot of time)  to move on from my heartbreak kasi at that time back to being single at 29 close to 30 ish, meh, that's terrible bro. But God has a different plan for me... I guess?

And now, I'm 31. Single. Oh, sige, let's talk about that. I'm actually enjoying my life right now. I'm more concerned about my financial status than my love life. Lol My love life worries me from time to time but not to the point of desperation. I do get the SANA ALL feels but wala eh. I'm ready, I know, but I'm not chasing. My friends would always tell me to make landi and all but hagu, kapoy, mou ii. Funny lang 'cause when the time came that I know I have moved on and all that's the time I uninstalled the dating apps. I guess it's not for me.. you know, tinder, OK cupid? No. I can't. I'm still for the organic which is ironic 'cause I'm too awkward. Haha Bahala na. I'm so ready to give love another chance but I'm not settling for the bare minimum. People might say 'murag gwapa' but first, gwapa jud ko, and second, why settle? Having standards doesn't equate to Mr. Perfect and duh, we all know Mr. Perfect doesn't exist. And as much as I love Kdramas, no, I'm not looking for an Oppa. I'm really not sure what to call or how to describe but I just want a MAN whom I can be ME, the imperfect and flawed ME. Does this person exist ba? Or pa ba? If that person exists or not, IDRC. Joke! Haha  I guess being single for this long probably has PROs as well. I found my great love. I waited for almost 3 decades nasa malapit lang pala, Shayne pala name niya. Haha Looooong story but my favorite of all time. :) #selflove

Instead of having this line 'Maybe my soulmate died, I don't know. Maybe I don't have a soul' be the song of my life, I'd prefer singing my heart out to this, 'Ug di ko mag duha-duha ug tikang. Kung mahulog ka andam ko mahulog uban. Bisag asa ta dal'on niining panahon.'

To Mr. Right: Hi, Love! Where na you? Hahaha See you! #LawOfManifestation Haha Tara??? Let's start our journey and conquer the world together. 💕