Hello!

Tiktok is a huge part of my healing and recovery. It knocked some senses to me. It made me realize that those invalidated feelings were actually VALID and OKAY. It helped me unleash the 'true' me, ver3.0. It made me happy.

But... in a way, it also gave me false hopes but okay na, naka recover na. I'm focusing on myself, tingin sa harap, walang lingunan na ito..and still, thank you tiktok. Haha 

Tiktok's algorithm is weird as fuck. One day, you'll see videos about food the whole day, next, you'll see tarot readings (wag kyo maniwala, hindi totoo. LOL) all day. But these days, I'm into mom&babyTOK and that sucks. Like, OO, bitter na kung bitter pero autoBLOCK kayo. Sorry naman. HAHA Hindi kasi madala ng not interested button ihh, kaya bLOCK na lang. Kasi the more that I see it, the more I am reminded that I may not have the chance to experience that. I am reminded of what I don't have. That's actually the same reason why I unfollowed most in my FB. Almost all of them are engaged, married, preggy, nanganak, preggyforbabyno.2, nanganak. I am happy for them ha, don't get me wrong.

Sabi ni floxxy, don't lose hope daw. Pero how?

 Hello!

It's been a long time.

The thing is, I tested positive, COVID last Aug. 30th. 10 days of home quarantine. 10 days that felt like months. 

It took me some time to post it. But yes, Alhamdulillah, I am alive. I went back to work and trying to live a normal life. It's not easy. Akala ko, kembot to the right and left lang and boom shakalaka, normal na ulit. Madali pa rin ako mapagod kaya naka off ang dora mode ko and mas lumala ang hair fall ko. Slowly but surely, babalik din.

September's about to end. It went by so quick. 

I guess this is my 2nd life. So, YOLO v.2.0? Hell, yeah. Hahaha But I need funds ya know kaya sana, beke nemen, side hustle tayo dyan. Haha

I attended WCA's LT yesterday and the CEO said that most people die at 25 and are just waiting to die physically. I felt that. I died at 29 but I guess someone gave me the resurrection plant that's why I'm living like a zombie, with no direction. I regretted praying to be gone. I want to live pero with purpose hindi for the sake lang. I want to live talaga.

 Hello.

I have been vomiting all the things that I ate and NO, I am not preggo. Haha I wasn't able to go to the doctor over the month-long summer vacation because I fell short of cash. Haha And tbh, walang naiwan sa sweldo ko like walang joke. Ubos sa bills hanggang huling yen ng sweldo ko. 

I don't know what to do na. And it sucks sa true lang. 

Thursday: I got off from work pretty early, 1:30 so I decided to stay at McDo which is near the station. I was feeling hungry since I think I threw up everything after school lunch. And NO, I am not preggo. Haha After some time, I decided to go home. When I arrived at my station, Takenotsuka, I went to the ticket machine to renew my card ( I forgot to do it that morning. Grrr). After that, as I was searching for my wallet, guess what, wala. I thought I may have left it as bahay but then I remembered that I had it this morning since I had to charge my card. I went home to check and wala talaga so it means I have left or dropped it at Kita Urawa. Surprisingly, I was not tensed. Siguro, I had this feeling na 100% nasa station. I went back at the station 'cause I know my mind won't let me sleep. #Overthinker. And, thanka God, it was there, safe and sound. Walang nawala.:)

Friday: My mind decided to be productive, that's why 2:30am nagising. And hindi na ako nakabalik ng tulog. I was sooooo lutang. And hey I had G3 and G4 that day, so hindi pwede and 'hello', dapat 'helloooooooooooooooo' level, ganern. I survived work that day naman. I didn't go home right away, nag shopping pa ako. Haha I arrived home at 6:30 pm. Thank God, unscratched, lutang lang talaga. Haha

 Hello!

Today, I confirmed few things. I hope I can make kwento here but apparently, I have to keep it to myself.

True love? Is it true? Sh*t! I want to answer NO but...... Have you ever.... basta yun.

Is this the sign that I have been waiting for?

Is this the right time to forget everything?

If yes, God, help me to forget everything. Please erase all memories that I have so I can start again. Please send someone to find me 'cause I am drowning. I want to live. I want to be found. All I want is to love and be loved back.

Why is it always difficult?

 Yo!

 Our song for tonight is called To the Bones by Pamungkas.

My flight is canceled.

Not this year again?

Imma go crazy na siguro.

Ottoke?

 Hello!

 I'm really not good with words to express myself but I found some songs that say it all. So, here's the first of I-don't-know-how-many. 

I found a guy, told me I was a star
He held the door held my hand in the dark
And he's perfect on paper but he's lying to my face
Does he think that I'm the kinda girl who needs to be saved
And there's one more boy, he's from my past
We fell in love but it didn't last
'Cause the second I figure it out he pushes me away
And I won't fight for love if you won't meet me halfway
And I say that I'm through but this song's still for you
All I want is love that lasts
Is all I want too much to ask
Is it something wrong with me
All I want is a good guy
Are my expectations far too high
Try my best but what can I say
All I have is myself at the end of the day
But shouldn't that be enough for me
Ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh
And I miss the days
When I was young and naive
I thought the perfect guy would come and find me
Now happy ever after it don't come so easily
All I want is love that lasts
Is all I want too much to ask
Is it something wrong with me, oh
All I want is a good guy
Are my expectations far too high
Try my best but what can I say
All I have is myself at the end of the day
And all I want is for that to be okay

HANASH:
When I first heard this song, I was like 'Nice!' but when I played it over and over again, that was the time it hit me. This is my song. This is it! I actually cried gallons over this tears. I could still remember, it was after noon, I just came from work, I had this song on loop and suddenly I just found myself crying. ALL I WANT IS LOVE THAT LASTS line just hit different. It's all that I want but it was taken from me. And until now I do question myself, 'IS IT SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?' I am still hurting and it sucks. ALL I WANT IS FOR ME TO BE OKAY but it's so hard.
I'm so tired.

#ALLIWANT

 Hey!

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm soooo lost.

My heart is soooo heavy yet it's empty.

It's just me now. I can't rely on anyone.

Ann was admitted last weekend.

Don is also tired from work.

Floxxy is also busy.

And the others have business and problems of their own.

And I couldn't find the guts to make singit.

After all, this is just a 'drama'.

You know, last year, I didn't cry while I was at school despite what happened but I don't know, kanina, I guess it was just to heavy to carry anymore. I cried, as loob ng CR syempre. I wanted to shout ng pagkalakas lakas. I wanted to shout, AYOKO NAAAAAA. PAGOOOOOD NA AKO. Pakiramdam ko, I lost myself and this time, it's real. FOr the first time, I am acknowledging na, indeed, I am so lost.

I am a hopeless case na siguro. I pray that a next lifetime, ma achieve ko whatever I am not able to do now.Maybe sa next lifetime, masayahin, maganda, hindi madrama and talented ako. Maybe sa next lifetime, pipiliin, paninindigan at mamahalin ako ng higit sa kaya kong ibigay.

But right now, the person that is typing is so fucking tired.

And gusto ko na magpahinga.

 Mom is sick.

 Ola!

I saw this video from Tiktok, she found out she's preggo with her 3rd baby at 21. 3rd baby at 21. And here I am 30 and single. Just wow!

I have always wanted to have my own ever since and I thought it was within reach... But the unexpected happened. In a snap, it became impossible. As I was forced to give up on love and forever, it seems like I have to give this dream of becoming a mom. Siguro nga I am not meant to be one. 私はやっぱりだめですね。

I have to give up on love and this dream and act like it's okay because that's what the people want. The world wants me to be okay. But damn people, it's not okay. I am not okay. I am just so tired of people saying na 'Okay lang yan. Makahanap ka pa', 'Okay lang yan. Mag antay ka lang', 'Okay lang yan. In God's time', 'Okay lang yan. Okay lang yan'. 

I honestly don't want to give up but what choice do I have? 

Fuck this world. Pagod na pagod na ako. Ayoko na talaga. 

Can I just go back to when I was 10? Or can I just disappear now?

 I'm tired.

I'm losing my shit again.

WHyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Tired.Tired.TIred

Nobody listens.

Ayoko naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 Last year, for the first time in my life I thought of taking my life away. I could already imagine the knife in my wrist. But I didn't have the courage to do so. Naisip ko sina mamang. Naisip ko, magastos pa para sa kanila an iuwi yung bangkay ko. And luckily, to this day, I never thought of that again, killing myself. Have I found the reason to live? No. I haven't. I may not have been successful in killing myself but you know what, I am okay if I die now. 

I've fought pretty hard. I tried and still trying on fixing myself. But damn I am still hurting and nobody could hear my cry. I am shouting for help but my voice only falls to deaf ears. 

If I die now, I hope I can be reborn again. This time, I will make sure that I will be a better one. I'll be stronger. 

I am tired na.

 Hello!

Back to work na bukas but before this day ends, lemme say few things.

I am thankful that I have the means to eat decent food and even splurged from time to time...but I am tired of eating by myself. I am tired of cooking for myself. I don't know if I'm such a lousy cook but the food that I make doesn't taste good. It always ends down the drain.

I also missed not feeling guilty every time I eat with gusto. Damn those body shamers. Arghhhh. I should not have listened to them. Fuck you all! Now, I can't eat ng bongga without feeling guilty. 

What's wrong with my throat baaaaaa? Ang hirap na kaya. 

I kinda feel sick but I can just keep it to myself. Alam ko naman na ang sasabihin nila, 'Pa check up ka', 'Inom ka ng gamot'. Kelan pa ba may nag effort mag alaga sa akin maliban kina Mamang? It was me, myself and I ever since.

Hayyy.

 Yo!

I haven't blogged lately. Why? I am actually into diary-ing, the old-fashioned way. I started last February of this year. Ang pangit na kasi ng handwriting ko and oh-oh, no no no no, I won't let my beautiful handwriting go to waste. Haha And in fairness, mukhang effective naman. Yokatta!

How's life? Ahhh. Pretty much a roller coaster of emotion. What's new? There were days na iyak iyak but I had my fair share of laughter din naman. 

I think I'm sooo stressed out. Work has been really tiring but there are fun times pa rin naman. Financially, I'm kinda struggling. I really have to save. Tbh, nakahiram na na ako ng 1lapad sa emergency fund ko. Gahhh. How to make ahon to this ba? 

And love? Ahh. Why? I never played with love but why did I end up here? ALL I WANT IS LOVE THAT LASTS. HAVE PATIENCE, THEY SAY....but until when?

Ang dayaaaaa. 

Parati naman.

 Hello!

Every day, as I wake up, I, with a grateful heart, choose myself.

Every day, as I wake up, I, with a grateful heart, choose to love myself.

It took me a while to be where I am right now.

It took me a while to fall in love with myself again.

As I chose myself, I wonder, will someone ever choose me?

Will I be someone's constant, again?

Someone who will shower me with the love that I deserve?

Where are you, my constant?

I am waiting yo.

But know that as I am waiting for you, I am trying to heal so that I can love you with a whole heart that's just for you.

My constant, mata ne. :)

P.S

Pero pleeaaase naman, wag masyado tagalan ha? Haha Kapoy maging waiter. LOL

 Hello!

Can I just be honest?

My good friend Rej finally walked down the aisle a few days ago. Believe me, I am genuinely happy for them. After a long and winding road, sila pa rin talaga ang para sa isa't isa. That's rare. It took me sometime before I sent them a congratulatory message. And kanina, I watched their SDE and I can't help but cry..like cry na cry talaga. I guess it was partly because I felt how magical the moment for them. And the rest was because we were almost there but we fell out. Here I am wondering, will I have that same magical moment? 

I know I have seen saying na tanggap ko na if ito ang kapalaran ko, single forever but I know deep down in me, I want to have that rare moment. But how? I guess, hanggang dito na lang talaga siguro. Maybe in the after life, I'll be happier.

 Hello!

First of all, happy new year blog!

I have been trying to address certain issues or baggage from 2020 since the beginning of the year. I was like, new year, new me. Haha But I guess there are just days that nakakapagod to pretend. So, kaninang madaling araw, around 2am, I found myself crying and making hagulgol. I can't sleep and inside my mind were things that I was trying to forget. But nak ng, ang kulit. Hayyy.

I'll be turning 30 this year. So surreal. After my failed relationship, surprisingly, I still do believe in love. I want to love again but most importantly, I want to be loved. I want to be treasured. I want that love na wouldn't throw me just because things are rough. I want that security na no matter what, it will still be me. 

I still believe in love but am I too late for that now?

I still want my own family but how?

I am scared tbh. At this time, I guess love is one of the rarest things a person could have and I am.....