I'm tired.

I'm losing my shit again.

WHyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Tired.Tired.TIred

Nobody listens.

Ayoko naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 Last year, for the first time in my life I thought of taking my life away. I could already imagine the knife in my wrist. But I didn't have the courage to do so. Naisip ko sina mamang. Naisip ko, magastos pa para sa kanila an iuwi yung bangkay ko. And luckily, to this day, I never thought of that again, killing myself. Have I found the reason to live? No. I haven't. I may not have been successful in killing myself but you know what, I am okay if I die now. 

I've fought pretty hard. I tried and still trying on fixing myself. But damn I am still hurting and nobody could hear my cry. I am shouting for help but my voice only falls to deaf ears. 

If I die now, I hope I can be reborn again. This time, I will make sure that I will be a better one. I'll be stronger. 

I am tired na.

 Hello!

Back to work na bukas but before this day ends, lemme say few things.

I am thankful that I have the means to eat decent food and even splurged from time to time...but I am tired of eating by myself. I am tired of cooking for myself. I don't know if I'm such a lousy cook but the food that I make doesn't taste good. It always ends down the drain.

I also missed not feeling guilty every time I eat with gusto. Damn those body shamers. Arghhhh. I should not have listened to them. Fuck you all! Now, I can't eat ng bongga without feeling guilty. 

What's wrong with my throat baaaaaa? Ang hirap na kaya. 

I kinda feel sick but I can just keep it to myself. Alam ko naman na ang sasabihin nila, 'Pa check up ka', 'Inom ka ng gamot'. Kelan pa ba may nag effort mag alaga sa akin maliban kina Mamang? It was me, myself and I ever since.

Hayyy.

 Yo!

I haven't blogged lately. Why? I am actually into diary-ing, the old-fashioned way. I started last February of this year. Ang pangit na kasi ng handwriting ko and oh-oh, no no no no, I won't let my beautiful handwriting go to waste. Haha And in fairness, mukhang effective naman. Yokatta!

How's life? Ahhh. Pretty much a roller coaster of emotion. What's new? There were days na iyak iyak but I had my fair share of laughter din naman. 

I think I'm sooo stressed out. Work has been really tiring but there are fun times pa rin naman. Financially, I'm kinda struggling. I really have to save. Tbh, nakahiram na na ako ng 1lapad sa emergency fund ko. Gahhh. How to make ahon to this ba? 

And love? Ahh. Why? I never played with love but why did I end up here? ALL I WANT IS LOVE THAT LASTS. HAVE PATIENCE, THEY SAY....but until when?

Ang dayaaaaa. 

Parati naman.

 Hello!

Every day, as I wake up, I, with a grateful heart, choose myself.

Every day, as I wake up, I, with a grateful heart, choose to love myself.

It took me a while to be where I am right now.

It took me a while to fall in love with myself again.

As I chose myself, I wonder, will someone ever choose me?

Will I be someone's constant, again?

Someone who will shower me with the love that I deserve?

Where are you, my constant?

I am waiting yo.

But know that as I am waiting for you, I am trying to heal so that I can love you with a whole heart that's just for you.

My constant, mata ne. :)

P.S

Pero pleeaaase naman, wag masyado tagalan ha? Haha Kapoy maging waiter. LOL

 Hello!

Can I just be honest?

My good friend Rej finally walked down the aisle a few days ago. Believe me, I am genuinely happy for them. After a long and winding road, sila pa rin talaga ang para sa isa't isa. That's rare. It took me sometime before I sent them a congratulatory message. And kanina, I watched their SDE and I can't help but cry..like cry na cry talaga. I guess it was partly because I felt how magical the moment for them. And the rest was because we were almost there but we fell out. Here I am wondering, will I have that same magical moment? 

I know I have seen saying na tanggap ko na if ito ang kapalaran ko, single forever but I know deep down in me, I want to have that rare moment. But how? I guess, hanggang dito na lang talaga siguro. Maybe in the after life, I'll be happier.

 Hello!

First of all, happy new year blog!

I have been trying to address certain issues or baggage from 2020 since the beginning of the year. I was like, new year, new me. Haha But I guess there are just days that nakakapagod to pretend. So, kaninang madaling araw, around 2am, I found myself crying and making hagulgol. I can't sleep and inside my mind were things that I was trying to forget. But nak ng, ang kulit. Hayyy.

I'll be turning 30 this year. So surreal. After my failed relationship, surprisingly, I still do believe in love. I want to love again but most importantly, I want to be loved. I want to be treasured. I want that love na wouldn't throw me just because things are rough. I want that security na no matter what, it will still be me. 

I still believe in love but am I too late for that now?

I still want my own family but how?

I am scared tbh. At this time, I guess love is one of the rarest things a person could have and I am.....