Mom is sick.

 Ola!

I saw this video from Tiktok, she found out she's preggo with her 3rd baby at 21. 3rd baby at 21. And here I am 30 and single. Just wow!

I have always wanted to have my own ever since and I thought it was within reach... But the unexpected happened. In a snap, it became impossible. As I was forced to give up on love and forever, it seems like I have to give this dream of becoming a mom. Siguro nga I am not meant to be one. 私はやっぱりだめですね。

I have to give up on love and this dream and act like it's okay because that's what the people want. The world wants me to be okay. But damn people, it's not okay. I am not okay. I am just so tired of people saying na 'Okay lang yan. Makahanap ka pa', 'Okay lang yan. Mag antay ka lang', 'Okay lang yan. In God's time', 'Okay lang yan. Okay lang yan'. 

I honestly don't want to give up but what choice do I have? 

Fuck this world. Pagod na pagod na ako. Ayoko na talaga. 

Can I just go back to when I was 10? Or can I just disappear now?

 I'm tired.

I'm losing my shit again.

WHyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Tired.Tired.TIred

Nobody listens.

Ayoko naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 Last year, for the first time in my life I thought of taking my life away. I could already imagine the knife in my wrist. But I didn't have the courage to do so. Naisip ko sina mamang. Naisip ko, magastos pa para sa kanila an iuwi yung bangkay ko. And luckily, to this day, I never thought of that again, killing myself. Have I found the reason to live? No. I haven't. I may not have been successful in killing myself but you know what, I am okay if I die now. 

I've fought pretty hard. I tried and still trying on fixing myself. But damn I am still hurting and nobody could hear my cry. I am shouting for help but my voice only falls to deaf ears. 

If I die now, I hope I can be reborn again. This time, I will make sure that I will be a better one. I'll be stronger. 

I am tired na.

 Hello!

Back to work na bukas but before this day ends, lemme say few things.

I am thankful that I have the means to eat decent food and even splurged from time to time...but I am tired of eating by myself. I am tired of cooking for myself. I don't know if I'm such a lousy cook but the food that I make doesn't taste good. It always ends down the drain.

I also missed not feeling guilty every time I eat with gusto. Damn those body shamers. Arghhhh. I should not have listened to them. Fuck you all! Now, I can't eat ng bongga without feeling guilty. 

What's wrong with my throat baaaaaa? Ang hirap na kaya. 

I kinda feel sick but I can just keep it to myself. Alam ko naman na ang sasabihin nila, 'Pa check up ka', 'Inom ka ng gamot'. Kelan pa ba may nag effort mag alaga sa akin maliban kina Mamang? It was me, myself and I ever since.

Hayyy.

 Yo!

I haven't blogged lately. Why? I am actually into diary-ing, the old-fashioned way. I started last February of this year. Ang pangit na kasi ng handwriting ko and oh-oh, no no no no, I won't let my beautiful handwriting go to waste. Haha And in fairness, mukhang effective naman. Yokatta!

How's life? Ahhh. Pretty much a roller coaster of emotion. What's new? There were days na iyak iyak but I had my fair share of laughter din naman. 

I think I'm sooo stressed out. Work has been really tiring but there are fun times pa rin naman. Financially, I'm kinda struggling. I really have to save. Tbh, nakahiram na na ako ng 1lapad sa emergency fund ko. Gahhh. How to make ahon to this ba? 

And love? Ahh. Why? I never played with love but why did I end up here? ALL I WANT IS LOVE THAT LASTS. HAVE PATIENCE, THEY SAY....but until when?

Ang dayaaaaa. 

Parati naman.

 Hello!

Every day, as I wake up, I, with a grateful heart, choose myself.

Every day, as I wake up, I, with a grateful heart, choose to love myself.

It took me a while to be where I am right now.

It took me a while to fall in love with myself again.

As I chose myself, I wonder, will someone ever choose me?

Will I be someone's constant, again?

Someone who will shower me with the love that I deserve?

Where are you, my constant?

I am waiting yo.

But know that as I am waiting for you, I am trying to heal so that I can love you with a whole heart that's just for you.

My constant, mata ne. :)

P.S

Pero pleeaaase naman, wag masyado tagalan ha? Haha Kapoy maging waiter. LOL